The come back…..

Posted: 06/09/2012 in Uncategorized
ImageKeep calm and fuck off!! that was the editor’s stance on the fans who had lost hope after Sunday’s damaging result at anfield inflicted by an arsenal side, but the Eltorros bulletin is not about other people’s opinions hence why the editor didn’t seem to care and has taken this opportunity to NOT issue an apology to those offended and also to tell those who took that opportunity to turn it into a BR vs KD to FUCK OFF.

A portrait of Xavier Lutta kneeling down and Kelvin Suarez Oyugistepping on his head has been doing the rounds after going viral on the internet after Lutta lost the bet on whether Clint Dempsey was going to be a liverpool player, it has also emerged that KSO had been sweating profusely all the while because he was afraid of losing this bet to Lutta because he has a fragile ‘Kisogo’ and once stepped on it might cave in, a vibrant KSO proceeded to link this victory to how this has also represented victory over Ingwe by Kogalo- stupidity; i know. ImageA dejected Lutta who has seen his stock fall vowed to come back,’i swear i’ll be back, mtu hawezi nifanyia hivi’ said lutta while fighting back tears,’this was a sabotage on Rumor and Rumormonger Associates. Kelvin Suarez Oyugi has also gone on to rebrand his company and will be unveiling it soon, rumour has it that it will be named ‘Rumour and fishmonger services’.

Sam Wanjere-Samburger or Greedy sam; as he is Known in Buru buru was the subject of rigging in a recent survey posted by Karanja Kopite Josiah about the names of people with some of them being spot on E.g K Fourty Seven was said to be childish(hehehe) as well as KSO, Ken ‘dashing’ Kagz and James Ynwa Bahati Konde also had spot on annalysis, ofcouse some of the Ladies ones were spot on like Sidi Elizabeth lakini hiyo ya sluts…. Aiiiih. anyway remind me to never trust Martin Mathu, hehehe.

Álcoolita Liverpoolian Kartel-Cooper, notorious for her antics and sitting on people for no reason whatsoever was rumored to have bought an ‘Arab-Sat’ satellite dish…. TV guide thinking there was an art of sitting on people using different style, she is rumored to be a master of ‘sititsu’ and an ancient African martial art known as ‘kaliaye’. Speaking about alcoolita, Recently a survey was held and she was the subject of comparison with Luciepool Seaman; recently christened JuicyLuciepool and a comparative analysis was given, Alcoolita’s pH levels were found watery, while Luciepool’s were given as Juicy, this prompted a tongue lashing and a sitter hunt from Alcoolita. It has been rumored that Alcoolita knew that the survey had reached the careful ears of the Eltorros Bulletin journalists and this is the reason why she held a press conference attempting to discredit the world-renowned El-Torros bulletin that is critically acclaimed through out the world.

Green mouth Shutah ole Muy, also famously known as the ‘behind pocket rocket’ or sewage Tush or his hiphop alternate, Ruminant green mouth x, or RGMX recently launched an album titled ‘Toilet music’ and immediately sales hit the roof, everyone in attendance at his launch bought an album…. In other news a concert in Nairobi cinema recorded two attendants it is rumored to have been an album launch, we would like to express our pity to the album launcher who’s album has been shelved, toilet music received no review an it has been reported to be the worst album in the history of albums, you can take a photo in uhuru park and call it an album and you are assured to get a review, Ruminant green is now set to concentrate on eating miraa like he does best.

Our closing paragraph is Dedicated to my Boy David Mjei Mliverpool who recently lost his dad, we wish to express our condolences and assure you that we are together in this hard times that you are facing, Mjei, You’ll Never Walk Alone.
God Gives & God takes. Be strong bro.
Innalillahi wa inaileyhi Rajiun.

Eltorros Bulletin

  1. Alco says:

    Super entertaing as always na usiringe!! I will practice sitsitu on u.
    YNWA Mjei

  2. tush ole muyah says:

    nimekuwekea wanted fala hii

  3. Sam Wanjere says:

    So glad there’s no purported pic of me attempting to destroy a dinosauresque burger.

  4. mark chris says:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s